Love, Self-Discovery, and Spiritual Sovereignty

Being raised in mother hunger. Growing up, children were to be seen and not heard, I learned to seek out adults who truly listened, heard me and valued my worth. Without siblings to confide in, I was left to raise myself, carrying questions with no answers & turning inward to protect my spirit, when I needed guidance the most. By high school, I had become a spirited, observant child, awakened in part by my father’s presence, after in-depth negotiation. I sought out other mothers, guides, and reflections my grandmother’s quiet strength, the wisdom of elders, and the voices of women like Oprah. I found sanctuary in books and with my best friends. I studied nature, observed older women, and went within, asking God and my spirit for direction through lent, fasting, and meditation. Most females around me found my beauty, power, and zest for life both inspiring and intimidating, sometimes meeting me with envy.

I was a natural connector, drawn to diverse people from all backgrounds. By my 16th birthday, and again at my 21st, my guest lists included people from nearly every international school a reflection of the circles I gravitated toward and the energy I radiated. By the time I turned 30, I celebrated my birthday with a healthy partner at a resort on Lake Chelan in Washington State a full-circle moment anchored in love, abundance, and alignment.

Love has always fascinated me. It is a subject as old as time, discussed by every human who has ever lived. The 13th-century mystic and poet Rumi was a master of it. More than 800 years later, his words still stir something deep within us, reminding us that love is not a fleeting feeling, but a spiritual force.    In our modern world, love has been flattened and distorted. Fairy tale books, Instagram captions, and entertainment screens have turned it into a commodity. Spiritual thinkers like Gary Zukav urge us to evolve to move from fear-based survival to a soul-rooted way of living. This evolution returns us to love not just in romance, but in how we live, choose, and relate to everything around us.

I have experienced love in many forms, each shaping me in profound ways:

 * Innocent Love: The first pure, unguarded connections like early friendships and crushes. They taught me about joy and openness, laying the foundation for all love to come.

 * Lustful/Explosive Love: A forbidden, twin-flame intensity that spanned over twenty years and multiple continents. It stripped me bare, awakened my sensuality, and unmasked the powerless child within. With him, I surrendered unapologetically, honoring the child I had been forbidden to fully be. But this love also revealed its shadow: he was a masked narcissist. Through this fire, I reclaimed authority over my body, awakened my power, and cleared the pain-bodies of my past.

 * Trauma/Entangled Love: Relationships with men whose cruelty stemmed from envy, fear, or insecurity. They sought control and dominance, or healing that I could not give. These connections taught me forgiveness, discernment, and the power to alchemize pain into purpose. They forced me to confront the deep programming I carried: the caretaker, the peacekeeper, the achiever, the muse. I learned to untangle love from sacrifice and reclaim my wholeness.

 * Healthy/Spiritual Love: The love that nurtures, steadies, and aligns with purpose. With spiritually attuned partners, I walked as an equal, fully myself. These unions honored freedom, growth, and presence. We inspired and challenged one another, holding sacred space without compromise. Whether a connection lasted a season or a lifetime, it reflected the wholeness I had cultivated within myself.

Through all these experiences, I didn’t just learn about others I met myself. I became my own spiritual mother, nurturer, and guardian, a woman grounded in God and deeply in tune with my soul. I stopped waiting for validation, became materially, emotionally, and spiritually self-sufficient, and began to operate from my soul rather than fear.

By my forties, I embraced celibacy not as a form of deprivation, but as sovereignty a spiritual practice to preserve my energy, honor my purpose, and allow love to enter aligned and sacred. I realized that love is not about performance or perfection; it is presence, authenticity, and freedom. It is not something to possess or control. It is the essence of my being.

Most of my female friends single, divorced, or married often ask why I’m not married with children. I smile, because by the age of thirty, I had already embodied a different kind of fullness, with an awareness to choose whether I wanted to bring children into this world or not. My answer is always the same: I am waiting for my king, and I am waiting to fully value my queendom. God is clearing out frequencies, aligning what is sacred, and if it is His will, it will come in perfect timing.

We meet people for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Not everyone who enters your life is meant to stay and that’s okay. Loving yourself isn’t a cliché, it is the foundation for everything else. I don’t seek love. I am love, made in the image of God. And everything aligned with that truth finds me.

By Dutchess@deldeyoch