A Miracle Born: Overcoming Trauma, Forgiveness, & the Awakening of the Feminine

I was born into a world that seemed determined to define me as a mistake. My mother, struggling with postpartum depression, conveyed this sentiment. Yet, I was a miracle, brimming with spirit, love, light, and curiosity. Saved by the dedication of nurses, doctors, my fathers, & raised by a village of women, I felt connected to God's universe, spirited, weird, rebellious, & a knower. I had been here before.

A Challenging Childhood

My spirit yearned for love, truth, peace, joy, and carefree ease, while my body was sharp and aware, inherited from my ancestors. My mind developed slowly over time, enriched by experiences of culture, family, society, environment, academic institutions, books, global awareness, religion, and life's challenges. I was never breastfed or soothed by my mother, who was consumed by fear, malaria, and depression. My fathers, survivors themselves, were armored, private, disciplined, served in faith, and were sharp providers for their family and community in uncertain times. 

The Impact of Societal Changes

Like many 20th-century parents, my mother was a young woman raised by mothers of the 19th century who did their best in a changing world. She faced the challenges of the post-70s women's liberation movement, the loss of her identity, global change, the opening of Ethiopia to the world, and the rise of female consciousness. These factors contributed to a widespread sense of mother and father hunger as well as abandonment issues among children globally. As mothers are transitioning from house wives, to working mothers, having to survive & raise their children.

The Cycle of Trauma

The cycle of trauma continues as hurt women raise hurt children, codependent, attached, & consumed by fear, guilt, doubt, & shame until someone is chosen to feel, awakens to bring light to the pain bodies within. To heal, alchemise, be their own parents, forgive themself, & evolve in conscious awareness. Breaking the ancestral generational curse, mostly labelled as the weird rebel. This journey is usually in solitude, & if you are blessed you will find an equally yoked partner, both willing to commit to healing & growing side by side. No one can save you, but yourself. In Ethiopia, there is a name they assign to seekers, menagne.

A Grandmother's Love

The one grandmother I knew was a beacon of nurturance, faith, kindness, patience, and love. While my father's mother died a warrior serving her country during the Italian occupation, my grandmother became a pillar of strength for her family and community. She not only raised her children, but also her husband's illegitimate children, neighbourhood children, her grandchildren, and her great-grandchildren. She was my safe haven, a place of unconditional love, peace, hope, and acceptance.

The Tension Between Mother & Daughter

Looking at humanity, it seems that many mother-daughter relationships are fraught with tension, anxiety, stress, suppressed rage, & animosity, especially when the mother is unconscious. Generations of women have inherited a complex world, learning to survive by suppressing their authentic selves. The unconscious often drives competition for autonomy, control, & power, forcing many to conform to the collective egoic mindset. Even educated, smart, & successful women may find themselves in hurtful relationships, attached to toxic situations, & encouraging their daughters to do the same. They may deceive themselves by learning the art of manipulation & reactive impulses to belong to a religion, family, or achieve a certain societal status."

The Breakdown of the Family

Many women today choose not to marry, have children, or divorce after their children grow up. This often stems from the breakdown of traditional family structures, the awakening of the feminine, & the inherited trauma of a world destroyed by the masculine collective ego, raging war within & outside for power, control & to compete. The chaos of the global world, has affected the evolution of human beings to balance the feminine with the masculine in all of us, which starts in the family. 

An Unexpected Child

I was the unexpected child, a spirited surprise my mother never forgave me for. The turmoil and upheaval that followed the Ethiopian revolution forced many Ethiopians to become refugees, including my siblings. My fathers chose to stay and become their purpose, supported by the women around them.

Growing Up in a Turbulent World

Our household required two incomes, so I was raised by two fathers and mothers in my village. There were several rotating nannies, the community, and different households I belonged to. My parents worked tirelessly to provide for their family, ensuring our safety, and nurturing our faith. I was taught about faith, love, discipline, detachment, privacy, resilience, raising myself, grounding in Gods light, serving, being sharp, not trusting man, & living spiritually. While in an international school, I was taught about global awareness, resilience, friendships, inclusivity, choices, freedom of self, innovation, being fit physically, learning methods, equality, volunteering, & finding my tribe, as well as how to become a self-sufficient woman. While travelling Solo locally & internationally, I found my free spirit, a sense of adventure, home, presence, feeling alive, & curiosity.  

Finding My Voice

Despite the challenges, I lived in my own world, allowing self-discipline, God, faith, my fathers, teachers, Oprah, a fear-led mother, traveling, a loving grandmother, a tutor, and village mothers to guide me. I chose freedom, how to stand up for myself, take care of my mind and body, and negotiate early with my parents to allow me my space. I prayed, fasted, meditated and took care of my body, mind & spirit at an early age, to focus, discipline & navigate my life towards my vision of myself, surrendering to only God. I saw both my parents' personal insecurity, fear & grace, & forgave them, but was emotionally divorced, to honor my spirit.

A Vision of My Future

By sixteen, I had a vision of my life. I was consumed by books, writing, travel, & composing songs, and journaling while envisioning who I wanted to become. I found my voice, inner balance, alignment & drive. I informed my parents of my feelings, opinions, and hurt, demanding that they stop treating me with disrespect. My fathers apologized and became my advisor. However, my mother, siblings, & a few families struggled to accept my growing independence, self-esteem, & fought to challenge my insights, ideas, opinions & revelations, showing me the realities of being a woman in a patriarchal family, society, & humanity.

A Journey of Self-Discovery

Growing up, while at school, working, living alone in Addis or Seattle, serving God's universe globally was my vision. I felt loved and valued deep within, embraced by God's love. I chose to be private in my life, empowered, & intuitively trusting the flow of life. As I grew older, I began to question life, seeking answers through prayer, meditation, travel, & fasting. Trusting God's timing, process, & path, regardless of the challenges that lead me to failure. I trusted Gods process, timing & my gut intuition to guide, protect & nurture me.

Healing and Awakening

By twenty-one, I was ready to embark on a new adventure, get engaged, choose my career, heal from a broken heart, & leave my childhood behind. I had prepared myself for this moment, arriving in a new country with little more than $100 in my pocket, with a vision. I succeeded in leading my life, connected to God's universe, despite a failed engagement to a man who betrayed, deceived & abandoned our commitment. I learnt the power of resilience, as the next partners I chose in love & friendship, embraced, healed & nurtured me. I learned about myself, & the high value I placed on my worth & growth. I chose to be in partnerships that lead eachother to being equally yoked, seeking to heal, love, adventurous, safe, & awakened to serve. At times choosing solitude, especially in my life transition period where I needed to go deep within to access my voice in awareness, truth & consciousness. 

A Spiritual Journey

Living a spiritual life is a solitary journey, seeking God's truth to lead your spirit to live freely, authentically, and purposefully. I have always wanted to know who I am, why I was here, & my purpose in service, as I awaken, grow, heal, forgive & evolve as consciousness. On the way I discovered my feminine divinity, that I was enough, whole, & worthy. At times I chose reading, a support system, a partner, career, travelling, family, teachers, seekers, community, society, nature, & mostly solitude to face my fears, be still, & find my peaceful inner balance. I wanted to change the world, but realized changing myself was enough.  

Overcoming Challenges

My mind, body, & emotions betrayed me at times, doubting and fearing when challenged, succeeding, tested, awakened, attacked, evolving, grieving, & going through curves in life. Being rejected, betrayed, deceived, and abandoned by those I trusted, I learned to forgive myself, learn lessons only failure can teach you, detach, feel all my emotions, alchemize, do not forget, & move on in awareness. I shielded with boundaries, became sharp, aware, private, in love, in light, aware, & anchored in God, being fearless about feeling alive. Humans will always betray you, but never betray yourself, or attach to anyone that they have power over your spirit, mind, body, emotion, & energy. Every obstacle, failure, test, challenge, & redirection is a chance to go deeper, let go, let God, examine the painful lessons you need to learn, forgive yourself, boundary up, and love unconditionally. Healing & growth is about shedding your armor, fear, survival, savior complex, attachment, needing validation, & reactive impulse, to one of awareness, peace, detaching, & consciousness.

Remember memories, thoughts, fear, past replays & hurt people hurting others is not personal, be still, skeptical, aware, present, sharp, accept what is, feel your anxiety & pain, forgive yourself but do not forget, serve God, be vigilant, ground in God, trust the process, surrender, release what is not serving you, detach from those that do not serve you, & know it's your spirit working through you, to consciousness.

"This too shall pass". 

"You are exactly where you need to be."

A Powerful Spirit

I am a powerless and powerful child at times, coming alive when still, alone, in silence, and in prayer. I am a yin and yang within at all times, profoundly grateful, compassionate, anxious, weird, and conscious of my free spirit. Even in the darkest moments, I seek my light, healing, and connection to God's universe, in solitude. None can save you, but yourself. trust the process.

A New Earth

I sought to see, value, embrace, soothe, and learn to be part of the evolution of humanity, seeing the best in myself and others. I unbecame all that I was attached to, & evolve to my consciousness. I am grateful for observing four generations of Habesha women and their choices. I am grateful for the future of the women to come after me, to be part of the global awakening of the feminine. 

We have been through drastic changes as humanity, if one part of the universe is hurting, we all know its our collective trauma. From my great grandparents to my mother's generation, to my generation of women who chose to break free, protect us as much as they can, & demand their voices to be heard. Many are stuck in bitter resentment as hurt people in a toxic cycle, consumed with their dark egoic shadows, masked & in universal distraction. I see my niece, cousins, nephew, & the youth now, the next generation, who can & will be whatever they choose with tools, information, self-perseverance, & enough guidance. The ancestors' curse, pain-bodies, & blocked energies have been broken, we have collectively awakened as humans, to reset. They can serve God in their soft feminine divinity, mindful of their protective masculine power, as they inherit a New Earth with love, aware, sharp, consciousness, genderless, & without the fear of not knowing their worth. 

The past identity is gone, we are evolving as human beings, to reach our highest potential. We have also inherited our ancestors' gifts, insight, wisdom, love, vigilance, & awareness if one is open to receiving. Learn to forgive in awareness, sooth, heal yourself, update, be sharp, detach, forgive & evolve, you are a miracle not a mistake. Your mind is compulsive, in self-hatred at times, egoic, separate, a child in a tantrum & attached, so learn to be still, & silent, know its God. 

Seek your spiritual purpose, & serve,  connected to God's universal love.  Awaken, let go and let God! 

Dare to be disliked. 

Be authentic. 

Shield in boundaries. 

Hold your serenity, & integrity. 

Be weird, in love, sharp, & vigilant.

Learn to be on this earth in solitude in high vibe energy frequency. 

You my dear are worthy, enough, belong, are loved, & whole in your feminine divinity! 💜

You are exactly where you need to be.

By Dutchess@deldeyoch

(For my nephew Menelik, neice Seporah, & my cousins globally)